By Shaquanda Jackson

 

White people: those motherfuckers are everywhere, it seems. When I get on the subway, they’re all over the place, being all white and stuff. It’s just some white nonsense. I just want to cover my ears and block out all the Caucasian-ass white-ass honky-ass white-bread-eating malarkey out of my head forever and ever. Unfortunately, I can’t. There’s one small problem. You may have read my name as the author of this piece, and noticed that my name was “Shaquanda”. Well, I’m white. My whole family is white. That’s probably the reason I can’t stand them. Every Hanukkah, when we get together, I just want to bury my face and scream into my hands.

Let’s list some of the things that those darn honkies have ruined:

 

1: Becoming a cat

Remember when a person of color could become a cat (I’m talking about jazz, you uncultured swine) and get down and funky? Well, in The Aristocats (2005) there is a rap song called “Everybody Wants To Be a Cat”, and white people have ruined cat-metamorphosizing for everyone.

 

2: Being a Genius

I remember when being a genius was for everyone, especially Hindu and East-Asian kids. Now, everyone is a genius. There’s nothing special about it anymore. Thanks for nothing, white people.

 

3: Using a KFC bucket as a lampshade

Look, white folk can’t seem to get off their high-horse about black people eating fried chicken. When I’m with my black friend, all my white friends go “Did you seriously just order fried chicken? What is it with you people?” and it’s gotten to the point where black people can’t do anything fried-chicken-related without white folk wildin’ out over it.

 

4: Cats

All y’all know what I’m talking about. I don’t even need to explain this to you, and if I do have to explain it, you’re just plain stupid and need to get your damn head out of the clouds, boy.

 

5: Killing Goldfish

I remember when killing your goldfish was a thing people would do in urban areas on a hot summer day when there was nothing to do. But then, lo and behold, white people caught on and started killing their goldfish and ruined it for everybody.

 

6: White People

That’s right. White people used to be cool until white people came along and ruined them. I remember when everyone used to be white since the human race originated in Tibet with the great white ape, but then stupid-ass white people came along and ruined that. Now white people are a bunch of weirdos doing predictable white-people things like: watching hockey, not watching hockey, doing different things depending on who we’re talking about, practicing individualism, not being a hive-mind, and it’s just… ugh.

 

 

7: The Moon

The moon used to be cool, until white people decided to go there. Now the moon is stupid and I don’t even care about it anymore.

 

8: Doin’ That Smash n’ Grab

I used to do that smash and grab, I do that smash and grab, I diggity do do do that smash and grab; first I smash it up, then I snatch it up, I diggity do do do that smash and grab; ohhhhhh, but then all you light-skinned yuppies ruined it for me.

 

9: The Mothman

The Mothman used to be cool. I used to believe in the Mothman, but now I don’t because white people started believing in him, and it just completely wrecked it for me and pretty much everyone else. I will never forget his beautiful glowing red eyes, and how white people took them from me.

 

10: Crossing Your Arms

Remember when only black people would cross their arms back in the late ’60s? Now it seems like everyone is doing it, especially white people. Every time I see a pair of crossed arms, it just makes me sick, and I start vomiting all over the sidewalk right in front of everyone, and people ask me if I’m okay, and I just say “Yeah, it’s just white people.” and then go BLEHHHH and a second round of vomit comes flying out of my mouth.

 

11: Asians wearing tactical camouflage gear

I don’t even know how white people managed to mess this the heck up, but they did it, and now it’s ruined forever. Thanks, white people.

 

12: Eating Pussy

Back in the ’70s, only black people were eating pussy. Now, it seems like every cracker I know eats pussy like it’s no big deal. Well, it IS a big deal. I used to eat pussy and think it was the coolest thing ever, but now I can’t even look at pussy without imagining some honky slobbering all over it.

 

13: Bracing Yourself For Battle As The Forest-Demon Emerges

When I used to brace myself for battle as the Forest-Demon emerged, I used to think about how cool it was to have my own cultural thing. People from all over the world have their own cultural traditions, and for awhile, it felt like I something special and unique to me as well. Not for long, though. Soon, white people were also standing ready, preparing their weapons and trying to swallow their fear as the Forest-Demon was emerging.

 

14: Black people

Remember when black people used to be cool? Yep, white people ruined that, too. Once white people started becoming black people (See: Shaun King / Rachel Dolezal) it just became really uncool to be black.

 

I’m just kidding, white people. You know I love you. Be sure to check out my upcoming article: “13 Things Native Americans Have Ruined”. It’s definitely going to be a list of things!