Alex Jones is offensive and problematic, and we’re all so relieved that we won’t have to not read his tweets on Twitter more than we were before and this is an example of a run-on sentence, which you should never do; take notes, opinion-piece writers.
By Antifa Sarcasmian
Today, Twitter, the social media trashfire, has banned InfoWars host and creator Alex Jones, much to the relief of all reasonable people who dye their hair neon pink and claim to punch Nazis, even though I suspect you people aren’t meeting your Nazi-punching quotas dictated by our commune. This is great news. Like 10 years ago, he called the Sandy Hook shooting victims “crisis actors”, and we need to think of the children. The children and their families didn’t deserve the unimaginable horror inflicted on them by Alex Jones at Sandy Hook. But last Thursday, Apple, Facebook, Spotify, Tumblr, Livejournal, Naver, Plentyoffish, and Immomo all banned Alex Jones from their platforms, and rightfully so, but Twitter didn’t follow suit, probably because of their upcoming congressional hearing.
Pictured above: Alex Jones looks at non-binary porn, but is still is problematic because porn exploits sex, and so it’s basically like him raping trans people.
Today, Twitter did it. They stopped Alex Jones from posting on Twitter permanently, coming a day after Alex Jones threatened Marco Rubio with a knife at gun-point. They also warned Laura Loomer for some sperging the fuck out irl (in real life) during the questioning of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey. I feel safer already letting big corporations censor people at will, because as long as it’s happening to the Right-Wing, then it’s fine by me. Frankly, I can’t wait for Twitter to ban Donald Trump before he tweets at Belgium that their waffles are sub-par and starts a nuclear war, because Belgium has one of the largest nuclear arsenals in the world and is the largest state-sponsor of right-wing terrorism. Facts.
This comes on the heels of a bizarre confrontation between Alex Jones and Marco Rubio, where I was so happy to see right-wingers fight each other that I became sexually excited, and lifted up my eighteen flaps of beautiful body to pleasure my non-binary 34th-gender genitalia. Rubio was speaking to reporters and shilling for big corporations like he always does, because he takes money from Wall Street like the baby-eating monster he is, when Alex Jones began heckling Rubio, and at one point, touched Rubio’s shoulder. Rubio began rolling on the floor and screaming “You just assaulted me! You assaulted me!” or wait, was that Laura Loomer when she got touched by a piece of paper by Maxine Waters. But right-wingers are very fragile and emotional, unlike us tough thick-skinned progressives. We’re just too tough. We’ve had to deal with white cishet males telling us their “research” proves women can’t lift as much weight as men, which is invalid because I’ve never seen a man hold 1/10th of the emotions as a woman. Checkmate, men.
Picture above: This image triggers me
Now that Alex Jones has been de-platformed, we can sleep at night knowing that we no longer have to worry about if he’s disrespecting Muslims, trying to defund Planned Parenthood, or just being a general pedophobe. He’s gone now, and the children of Sandy Hook are now vindicated, and if history has taught us anything, it is: think of the children, and don’t invade Russia during the winter.