NO U: The Story of Asia Argento

asia asiago cheese

By Lesby The Lesbian


#MeToo. What is that all about? We all know what it’s about. It’s about addressing the unspoken sexual abuse that goes on in Hollywood, like the story of ‘Grace’, a woman who met with Hollywood powerhouse, Aziz Ansari, then sucked his dick twice in the same night, and offered to sleep with him, but then really regretted it later, which makes it rape. Stories like these are all-too-common in tinsel-town, kind of like heroin. #MeToo highlights these abuses of men in Hollywood who use their positions of power to coerce young women into sex. As a lesbian, I’d do that, too, but Hollywood keeps heterosexuals at the top of the food chain, which is probably why I haven’t seen a decent Ellen Page movie since Juno.

Where did #MeToo get its start? It started with Tarana Burke in 2008, but since she was a POC with a really wide nose, nobody cared at all. If she had a smaller, more petite nose, we probably would’ve cared. But we didn’t. This probably highlights some of the hypocrisy and racism within the progressive movement, but we will DENY DENY DENY to the end because we gotta focus on the Alt-Right Nazis as our enemy, and toe the line for each other as allies.

The hashtag took off again when fat-man Harvey “Weinerstain” Weinstein was exposed as a serial raper. He raped so much that he dropped mixtapes with his latest rapes on them. He also released a full-studio album called Deez Hoes in February of 2015, but it was mostly underground, and received very mixed reviews by rape-critics. His work received a lot of negative media attention in 2017, when Asia Argento, Alyssa Milano, and Winona Ryder began heavily promoting the #MeToo hashtag, causing Weinstein to retire from the rape-game.

Irony struck when Asia Argento, one of the leading figureheads of #MeToo, was accused of performing oral sex on Jimmy Bennett. Argento denied any involvement with Bennett, and we rallied behind her, because we here at The Fake News believe women. Everyone knew the story was completely false, except for Bennett, who put out some sketchy evidence showing Argento and Bennett “in bed together”, and pointing out a “$380,000 dollar settlement” that Argento paid out to Bennett to shut him the fuck up, which us to one of the most difficult questions we’ve ever had to ask ourselves here at The Fake News: Could a woman have lied about sexual intercourse with a minor? It’s the supreme paradox, but to be honest, even she did do it, he was lucky to have her sleep with him.


Pictured above: Asia Argento thinking about Jimmy Bennett’s hot under-aged cock lustfully.

Then, there was a huge resistance win: Argento did the most beautiful PR maneuver ever, which brought a tear to my eye. I only have one eye. I lost the other one when I attempted to punch a Nazi, but the Nazi punched me back, and now I have to wear an eye-patch, which is pretty bad-ass. But as for Argento’s PR maneuver, she did what I believe was the right thing: accused the 17-year-old Jimmy Bennett of sexually assaulting her


Pictured above: Jimmy Bennett abusing Asia Argento, captured on film for all the world to see.

As you can see from the picture, Bennett abused Argento like he was Chris Brown (not to say that I am in a position to criticize the relationships of POC) to her Rihanna. Clearly, this man is a monster who rapes women, and is the reason that #MeToo needs to not fade away into obscurity, but stay in the public eye so that more of these under-aged predators can be stopped before they can entice more women-of-age to accidentally sleep with them or perform oral sex on them. Otherwise, we’re basically taking a piss on Tanara Burke’s face. Did you already forget who Tarana Burke is? I know I did.

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