By Lefty McFeminist

Jacksonville, FL — Tragedy struck today when a lone, crazed, and deranged gunman (who I hope is not Muslim or black) with an AR-15 entered some kind of video game tournament thing, (which we are told is being referred to as “eSports”, short for “electronic sports”) and opened fire. The shooting suspect may have been told he could play FPS games at the venue, but accidentally decided to play FPS irl (Note: internet slang for “In reality, losers”) due to frustrations of having no gf (Note: internet slang for “good friends”).

Per convention, we in the media have decided to exploit this tragedy for political talking points. Guns should be banned. If guns weren’t available, what would the shooter have used? A slingshot with bullets? A fully-automatic crossbow? A war-elephant? There is another x-factor here: video games normalize violent behavior. In the classic game, Grand Theft Audio, one of the main objectives to beat up and kill women. I’m not saying that video games cause violence, but video games lead to violence happening. There’s a subtle difference. What happened today is a perfectly cherry-picked example. There were two elements involved: guns and video games. Case closed. Ban violent video games, but please, not movies! Not my movies!

The shooting suspect has been identified as Samuel Hyde, 32. If you have any information that leads to his whereabouts or capture, please contact your local police department immediately, but do not attempt to approach the suspect as he may be armed, and is extremely dangerous / is a pretty big guy.

 

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and the families of the victims. We’re not sending condolences, because I don’t even know what a ‘condolence’ is.