By Yiska Goldsteinberg
In the classical school of journalism, there was a rule: to remain impartial and report only the fact so the people could be informed. I never liked that rule. With the rise of opinion pieces being used for the dissemination of information, the soap box became a cool place to be as a journalist. However, you still had to do work to construct a logical argument based on statistics, reported events, facts, educated guesses, pop psychology, a morbid fear of alternative media, hard data, studies, and maybe a little bit of religious bias every now and then.
Basically, you had to come up with a reason. It could be a flimsy reason, but you needed a reason.
I’m not even going to tell you my reason. Just fuck Rand Paul. Fuck ‘im. This journalism now. We just go “Fuck you”, using the f-word uncensored and everything. ‘Cuz we don’t give a fuck. Fuck this guy. Rand Paul represents everything wrong with America today. Why? Because fuck him, that’s why. And as you may know, earlier this year, he was assaulted physically by his neighbor, which left him with six broken ribs. I’m glad that happened. I hope that neighbor does it again. To me, that neighbor is the hero America needs.
What America needs right now is for concerned individuals to rise up and randomly assault people on the street for disagreeing with them, and attaching the worst form of hyperbolic beliefs to them in order to justify such actions. And then we need to not stop. We gotta punch all of the Nazis. Who is a Nazi? I’m going to make a bold proposition: everybody is a Nazi.
The fact that Rand Paul got assaulted and buttered like popcorn is okay, because he’s probably a Nazi. Maybe Jesus was a Nazi, I don’t know. Just the other day, I saw this 6-month-old baby in a stroller, and I knew at once he was a Nazi because the formula he was drinking was fucking WHITE. So I came up to the mother and said some shit like “That’s a beautiful little Nazi you got there.” and she was like “Bitch what” and melee ensued. My attorney has advised me not to talk about the specifics of the incident while the trial is still pending, but I’m gonna break rank a little bit and say this: I hit first. You know why? Because you can’t hesitate when you see Nazis. You just gotta punch them without thought and completely ignore any second thoughts that they might not be a Nazi.
About Rand Paul, I will say this: He went to Russia last week. And anyone who even talks to a Russian official is a traitor and has committed treason. That’s why I cut off all contact from my uncle Ivan. If you talk to a Russian, it’s treason. Any reasonable person can see this. They denied us… no… they denied me the first female president by doing the most heinous thing possible: An anonymous person sent Hillary’s chief-of-staff a phishing email and then accessed his account and then sent what he found to a Scandinavian man who posted the contents to a wiki site that revealed that Hillary Clinton only did a few trivial things that would not have been so heavily scrutinized if she were a male. If she had a penis and balls, oh if only, everyone would’ve let the stuff slide. You know, absolutely minor things like breaking State Department protocol by sending messages containing classified information and conducting official State Department business via private email, cheating the DNC primary by putting her friends into positions of influence in the DNC, receiving debate questions in advance from cable networks, and working with a staff that uses a bunch of weird code words for definitely-not-pedophilia.
Fucking Russians. Fuck Rand Paul.