“I can no longer disgrace Parliament with my haircut, or lack thereof.”

Someone call PETA, this man killed an animal and put it over his… wait, is that his HAIR?

By Lesby de Lesbiana

London, England – It has been revealed that British Parliament Member and Brexit supporter, Boris Johnson, is set to resign from his Parliament seat, which he has held since Last Thursday, over growing controversy over his unkempt hair. Critics have long hounded the embattled MP over his apparent aversion to barbers and hair-stylists alike, and it has reached a boiling point when Johnson formally announced his resignation. “Me mop’s a bit of a mess, innit?” Johnson remarked, eyes filled with tears at the press conference outside his London flat. He thanked his supporters for overlooking his ever-pressing insane cowlick that has long turned Britain’s highest governing body into the laughing-stock of the globe.

Giving his official statement, Johnson said, in part:

“Mistakes have been made, and for that I am truly, deeply sorry for my hair and my inaction in addressing this mess I’ve let occur on my own head. I apologize profusely to my district, Parliament, the people of the United Kingdom, and to her majesty, the Queen. I promised my supporters that I would ‘rein in the advance of the jungle brush’, and I have failed in my duty to do so. Therefore, I cannot continue to serve the people of Britain and represent them in a manner befitting of a member of Parliament. I must honorably bow out from from Parliament, and possibly, life itself.”

Johnson then placed his head into the noose, and kicked the stool out from beneath his feet. Boris Johnson left behind 3 wives, and 29 children. He was a great example to all and will be sorely missed. He was 19 years old.