“Me? I’m tight as fuck!”

You may think you’re mentally strong, but you’re not, because you’re not following these 37 principles of life that have eluded you until today when you read this article, which totally changed your life.

By Advice-Giver McFailureat-Lifewhogivesothersadvice

 

Life. What is it? It’s an abstract concept. In biological terms, it’s just organisms that can reproduce. When we talk about “life” from a human perspective, it’s much more than that. It’s a complex series of actions and experiences that can be nebulous, but can have practical results, such as happiness and orgasms. Some would even say the two are related. An even more abstract concept is “success”. It means so many different things to so many different people. For some, it’s a little thing, like learning the secret to peeling an apple really fast. For others, it’s getting their private parts to touch the private parts of another human beings. And for yet others, it’s acquiring massive amounts of expendable income.

One thing is clear: you need to be mentally strong to be successful. A new study that we won’t cite out of the University of West Dakota shows that everyone who is successful is also mentally strong, and they all share 37 distinct traits, that we will reveal to you for free.

1: Say “No”.

Do you have the inability to say the word “No”? Have you ever had a pushy salesperson try to sell you a vacuum cleaner, and you ended up buying it because you didn’t have the spine to just say “No”? Have the Mormons ever come to your door, and now you’re part of the Church of Latter Day Saints against your will? Well, it’s because you need to say “NO”. It’s really easy to say, and it’s the same in Spanish as in English. In Korean, you’ll have to say 아니요, but still, not complicated stuff.

2: Cross Your Arms

All mentally-strong people cross their arms, and stare deeply into your soul while having their arms crossed. Crossed arms indicates that you don’t take crap from anybody, and in some cases, indicates displeasure, or that you want to engage in a physical fistfight.

3: Don’t Blame Others

If your self-contained breathing apparatus is filled with spaghetti, who can you truly blame for that? As Harry S. Truman famously said, “The fuck stops here.” and then he held up a newspaper that said “Dewey Defeats Truman!”, which was published by some early precursors to The Fake News, and we are damn proud of that. Anyhow, when things go wrong, don’t blame others, such as co-workers, family, society, terrorists, arsonists, or circumstances beyond your control. Always blame yourself first.

4: Be Open To Public Nudity

You can’t always be expected to wear clothes 24/7. If the thought of someone seeing you naked terrifies you, then you need to reconsider your whole life. You should be ready at any time to take off all of your clothes in front of anybody for any reason, unless they are a group of children that you are supposed to be entertaining as a magician, then tell them for your next trick, you’re going to ‘make your clothes disappear’ and start stripping. You’re going to really get in a lot of trouble for that.

5: Pledge Allegiance To The Illuminati

The Illuminati is a secret society of half-reptilians who are trying to control the world by manipulating our currency, our politicians, and of course, the media. Anybody who plays ball with these guys is gotta be mentally strong, because at some point, they’re going to ask you for a human sacrifice, and you need to be ready to do it. All mentally strong people, such as Jay-Z and Dan Harmon have joined the Illuminati, and just look at how confident they are about their objectively low-quality work.

6: Eat An Apple

I’m talking about an Apple computer, or an Apple product, such as an iPhone 8. Like they say, an Apple a day thwarts the doctor’s efforts to reach you in your home.

7: Look People In The Eye

Everyone who is mentally eye can look people in the tough. If you can’t, it means you’re a mentally weak piece of shit. Just get used to staring at people, and when they look back at you, just keep looking at them until they get nervous and look away. This shows dominance. Remember not to do this in socioeconomically-disadvantaged neighborhoods with high crime rates, as it may lead to your death. Then again, risking death just proves how mentally tough you are.

8: Stop Caring What Other People Think

A part of becoming mentally strong is to become a sociopath, and completely disregard the thoughts and feelings of others. Just do whatever you want. Who cares what others think? “Fuck ’em all”, as the late Tupac Shakur would say.

9: Dismiss Rational Arguments For Nonsensical Reasons

“Logic” and “facts” are all subjective. Realistically speaking, what is a ‘fact’? If it’s defined as a thing everyone agrees on, then I’ve got fake news for you: Nobody agrees on everything. There are schizophrenics all over the world who have many interesting alternative views about reality, and who’s to say they’re “wrong” about what they’re experiencing? Neuroscientists? Don’t even make me laugh. The concept of ‘reality’ is a bunch of bollocks created by a bunch of white men, so don’t buy it.

10: Always Threaten Physical Violence

Nobody has quite as much rage as you, and when you go into full-rage mode, you feel no pain and just become a wild animal. Nothing can stop you. It’s like when a mother lifts a car to save a trapped child. The adrenaline kicks in and you’re unstoppable. It doesn’t matter that you’re like 5’3, and probably weigh 125 lbs at best, you’re ready to kick some ass. You’re loco and nobody can stop your fury. You don’t see size when you look at opponents; you just see weak spots for you to hit, because you got a green belt in taekwondo when you were 10 and you know all the pressure points. So if someone challenges you to a fight, just smile to yourself about the destruction you are about to inflict on them.

11: Drink More Water

Your body is made of water. People are mentally strong know this, and they drink water in large amounts in order to keep their brains hydrated and fresh like Will Smith.

12: Stop “Reading Books”

Books are basically a dead concept. The only reason they still exist is to distract Baby Boomers, who don’t even know how to check Twitter for the latest random mass bannings. Like, scrolls are dead. When was the last time you went to the library to pick up a scroll? Nobody reads scrolls. Books replaced scrolls, and now, digital media is replacing books. That’s because digital media is the future, unless of course, there is an EMP burst that knocks out all of our electronic devices. Then we may have to go back to books. I dunno. I’d say just hold off on the books and hope the government or someone turns the power back on.

13: Never Argue With Fools

Anyone who disagrees with you is a fool. It’s very, very tempting to try and engage in a dialogue with such people, but when you try to bring them over to your enlightened ways, they’re going to try to argue with you, which is very stupid. Arguing with them is just going to make you mad and call them “subhumans”, “nazis”, “idiots”, “shitlords”, “gamergaters”, and so on, all of which are probably true, but it’s not going to do any good to point any of this out to them, because they’re a lost cause.

14: Fear Is Your Friend

Being afraid is okay. The thing is, you need to run towards the things you are afraid of, instead of away from them. For example, if there is a massive chemical spill, your instinct may be to flee far enough so that the fumes don’t permanently damage your lungs and kill you. That’s not how you should live, though. Go towards that which makes you afraid and embrace it. Wrap your arms around the capsized chemical truck that drove off an overpass, and breathe the chemicals deeply into your lungs.

15: Cross Your Arms

All mentally-strong people cross their arms, and stare deeply into your soul while having their arms crossed. Crossed arms indicates that you don’t take crap from anybody, and in some cases, indicates displeasure, or that you want to engage in a physical fistfight.

16: Stop Crossing Your Arms So Much

Crossing your arms can be a sign of nervousness, intimidation, and anger. When I told you to cross your arms before, it was a metaphor. You need to stop taking everything so literally. If you’re not sure what to do with your hands in a conversation, there are many things you can do. Crossing your arms tells an individual “I’m sick of your shit”, and it’s not a good pose for interviews with potential bosses or potential clients. Some good things you can do with your hands are: Smoke a cigarette, cigar or e-pen, shove your hand down your pants, shove your hand down the other person’s pants, shove your hand down a third party’s pants, clench your hands into fists so tightly that your knuckles turn white, or simply stand or sit with your arms hanging limp like wet noodles.

17: Don’t Take All Your Clothes Off In Public

A common mistake many people make when they’re not feeling confident or mentally strong is to simply start taking all their clothes off for little to no reason. This can be seen as highly inappropriate, especially in public and professional settings. That is why you should never, ever take your clothes off, even when showering. If you shower with your clothes on, it’s basically like you’re washing your clothes and your body at the same time, which saves water.

18: Failure Is Not Your Enemy

Let’s say you’re walking along, when suddenly, you trip and all your spaghetti falls out of your pocket in front of everybody. When they happens, you’ve failed. You’ve failed yourself. You’ve disgraced your ancestors. Why live? Because failure is not your enemy. Failure teaches you a very important lesson: To not do things that could result in failure. Sike, I’m just kidding. You shouldn’t be so afraid of failure that you don’t do the things you want to do. So, even if you trip and spill all your spaghetti, don’t be afraid to walk the halls again, pockets loaded with spaghetti. You might fall again, but you should not be afraid.

19: The Mothman Is Real

The Mothman is a legendary creature which proclaims calamitous events before they happen. The appearance of the Mothman means that a disaster is imminent in the future. Of course, everyone who is mentally strong knows that the Mothman is real, and is always on the look-out for this majestic and wonderful being. People who deny the Mothman is real are probably mentally weak and cry when they look in a mirror.

20: Watch Anime

People who are truly mentally strong watch anime. Subbed, not dubbed. I mean, dubbed is okay once in awhile, but only if the localization team has stayed true to the original context. If you have dyslexia, you may have no choice but to watch some dubbed shit. But that’s okay, I guess. Just don’t watch some moe shit designed for 12-year-olds like Lucky Star.

21: Don’t bully!!

Bullying people is wrong and bad. Remember to never bulli and to stick up for your friends in a fight! I hate all bullyings, especially when people pick on the gay kid at school and call him really hateful things like “Fairy”, “Fruit”, and “Too gay to lift”.

22: Sanic The Hedgehog is your Lord and Savior

He died for our sins, and everyone who is mentally strong believes in sanic and knows he’s the fastest thing alive, and that he’s gotta go fast. Sanic does NOT have blue arms, and if you see any imagery of sanic with blue arms, you need to make sure that situation is amended immediately.

 

In conclusion, you are mentally weak, and your offspring will not survive the winter. We couldn’t make it to 37 different character traits of the mentally strong because of reasons beyond our control. Fuck you.